Written and photographed by lifestyle editor Rebecca Frick
Whenever a new school year starts for my two boys, I psych myself up to be the parent that stays on top of everything, while still letting them be independent. I know parental involvement is important, but as a Type-A parent I’m always struggling to figure out the balance between too much or too little…
Even though research shows that parental involvement is a more significant factor in the academic success of the child than the actual school, I haven’t been sure how much and what kind of involvement was necessary. There’s also been a lot written about how too much involvement and parenting can be a real disservice to the child as well. How overparenting is becoming a huge issue. It’s a bit tricky to find the happy medium between a helicopter parent and a free-range parent. So, what’s the perfect balance? When I was young, I was ultra studious. I enjoyed school and took pride in neat printing, good grades, and color coordinating all of my school supplies. And even though my parents were there for me if I needed help with homework, aside from signing the odd field trip form, attending parent/teacher conferences and making sure I had a good breakfast, they really didn’t play a big part in the day-to-day of school.
So I decided to ask my friend Selina if I could buy her lunch. As a mother of three and an Education Consultant with 25 years in the field (having taught first grade all the way through college aged kids), I knew she’d have great insight to offer.
It’s so different now than when I was a child. Today, there are online parent portals, email updates and automatic text notifications from the school. These give teachers the ability to keep parents in the loop about weekly assignments and offer them a window into the daily happenings in their children’s classes. But I was curious, “What do teachers actually want the average parent to do with this information?”
Selina agreed that technology has changed the way teachers and parents communicate and although not all parents have time to play a significant role in their children’s education, teachers appreciate it when they do. She went on to say that it really benefits kids to connect school and home in order to solidify learning. In fact, to learn well she said that information on any subject should come from 7 different ‘touchpoints’ (ie: school, home, group work, field trips etc…), and the more times you can bring learning concepts into the real world the better.
That insight really resonated with the Type-A in me. When my youngest son Miles’ 2nd grade teacher emails all of the parents and says ‘ask your child about today’s lesson on being a great friend’, I am definitely the first mom at the dinner table getting those answers from my 7 year old. My boys are usually pretty happy to oblige while they’re polishing off their dinner, but it’s one thing to do the easy stuff and chat with your kids over a meal, but what about parenting and homework? Should we be managing that too?
Now that my oldest son Eli has started middle school, I’ve been expecting piles of homework to start rolling in. But so far, he hasn’t had much. There’s a part of me that’s happy to hear that and another part of me (some might say the crazy part) that worries that he’s rushing though his work so he doesn’t have to take work home. I told Selina that my concern for Eli comes from the fact that he has always been a little on the lazy side when it comes to school and she said although it’s good to be proactive, if there is a real problem at school it is the teacher’s responsibility to come to the parent.
On the other hand, Selina noted that kids who squeak by doing work that’s just ‘good enough’ tend to miss out on opportunities that a little more effort might offer. Her philosophy is that it’s our job as parents not only to help foster a love of learning, but to keep as many doors to higher education open for our kids as we can while they are still young. This can be as simple as teaching them how to set their learning goals a little bit higher. To help get Eli on board with this work ethic, Selina suggested I reach out to the teacher to let her know that our family has a goal to get him to work above his comfort level this year. I liked that advice a lot and I am definitely going to follow through on it. It feels really cooperative.
Selina shared a great article about what ‘home work’ matters most. The article notes that even in the absence of assigned homework, kids should be working on the building blocks of learning at home. Activities like reading, practicing basic match facts and journaling. These are non-negotiables in Selina’s household. I’m thinking now about fun ways to incorporate more of these building blocks into our after school routine. Maybe we can all practice math facts by cooking and take measurements together
The bottom line: staying on top of communication from the teacher, leading educational conversations over dinner, encouraging kids to put more effort in at school and working on the building blocks of learning at home are all things I want to work on…but it does seem like a lot!
So, I asked Selina for advice on how parents can take the pressure off of themselves and teach kids to take the lead in all of this. She suggested that we simply put them in charge. At her house the kids are expected to look in their agendas or online for any work they have assigned and attempt to complete it on their own before getting into other activities. Independence is key. Kids need to learn that they are capable and responsible, and parents need to be their guides.
As a person that tends to feel like I have to manage my kids, I really admire that approach.
It might take a bit to let go of the control and trust that my boys can take care of themselves. Thanks Selina for sharing some wise advice, I’d love to hear your ideas as well on managing that tricky parenting balance. Any tips?