Do you ever feel like you’re playing the good cop, bad cop role with your kids? I totally do! The kids misbehave, I react, and on and on…
By Say Yes editor Nicole Grant Kriege
The Good News About Bad Behavior
I’m always looking for a way to get out of this loop and really enjoy my kids’ company.
To hit the pause button on this cycle, parenting guru Vicki Hoefle actually recommends a “do-nothing-say-nothing week” where you stop correcting your kids for one week. You may worry that they will devolve into terrible behavior, but probably not! Actually she says you could end up apologizing to your kids for all of the trouble you’ve been causing. (I tried this for one day, and I have to admit, it was enlightening.)
I think we all have the goal of raising capable and emotionally stable kids, and with many moms working more hours these days (raising my hand here) we really want quality time with our kids when we have that precious time with them.
So how do we set limits for our kids without causing more trouble than is necessary? I stumbled on this video a few weeks ago in the Atlantic that prompted me to read the book I’ve heard so much about, The Good News About Bad Behavior by Katherine Reynolds Lewis.
Here are a few tips to try from the book:
1. Put a kid in charge of a task they’ve been resisting. For example, if they don’t like getting into their car seat, make them the “Seat Belt Captain” who makes sure everyone is buckled in. I tried this with my daughter who’s almost three, and she surprisingly went for it! Such a good tip.
2. Connect to win cooperation. Compliment good behavior, show empathy, and schedule in special time with each kid if possible. Do you find time to hang with each of your kids individually? It’s something I want to do, but it’s hard to find the time in the week.
3. When you want to yell, use the “mumble and walk away” trick. Say you forgot something in the other room and give yourself the breathing room to figure out next steps. I need to do this more – sometimes I use the excuse that I need to check the oven, when I’m not actually cooking at all. 🙂
4. Use consequences instead of punishments, and they should follow the four Rs: related to the behavior, reasonable in scope, respectful of the child, and revealed in advance. For example, if they don’t brush their teeth the night before, they don’t get to eat sweets the next day. One of the things I’m learning is that it’s ok for kids to be upset. I hate it when they tantrum, but it’s good for them to hear “No.”
5. Try to schedule in the unsupervised and unstructured play that kids enjoyed of past generations. This is how kids learn the skills of negotiation, problem solving, and emotional regulation. I’d love to organize a neighborhood group one day to make this happen.
6. Discipline can sometimes be driven by a fear of “what people will think.” Notice and question your scripts for what a good parent does or how kids should act. I catch myself doing this at the park sometimes and have to remind myself, is this really about them, or about how I think people will see me as a parent?
Hopefully some of these tips are helpful to you. There are many more gems in the book! Take what makes sense for you and leave the rest (you know your family and your child best).
(Images by Liz Stanley of her family’s outing to Tilden Little Farm in Berkeley last weekend)
Bringing your children to a healthy and realistic experience is wonderful
vex 3
The book sounds so helpful, and your tips so practical! 🙂
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
http://charmainenyw.com
Oh I love all of these! I have to pick up that book. Thanks!