Last month I shared a video on Instagram stories of Edie and Dot screaming at the dinner table. You guys delivered with over 200 sweet messages of solidarity, and loads of brilliant advice for handling picky eaters…
So here’s the backstory: In general, dinner has become a super stressful situation at our home. I usually make whatever sounds good and healthy to me. I try not to think about how the kids will react because they need to learn how to eat all kinds of food, right?
Then dinner is served, and the girls take one look at it and refuse. Freak out. They are so mad at us for making something they don’t like (which is most days). Things get heated. We try to bribe them, beg them. The freaking escalates and Dot takes it up a notch into screeching. That’s what you saw in the video (posted on my IG stories again today). The bribery is usually something completely rational and respectable (to an adult), like “eat 5 bites and you’ll get a treat after dinner”, or whatever really comes out in the moment.
Hundreds of comments flooded into my direct messages. Everything from “OMG yes this is my house every night too, please help!” to buckets of advice and solutions from wise mothers, child nutritionalists, and psychologists. It made me so grateful for this amazing community of brilliant and supportive women! You all deserve access to the the advice I was given, so I thought I’d compile some of the best and most popular pieces of advice from those DM’s here today:
1. A no thank you bite. A really popular bit of advice was about a ‘one no thank you bite’. I hear this a lot and it’s sometimes the route we go. It seems to work for some people but to be honest, we haven’t had a lot of success with it. They take a bite. They spit it out, and then they’re whining and complaining still at the table. It works for some kids though, give it a try!
4. Give them one thing they like. Similar to what Ashley, my friend and pediatric nutritionist recommended in a post last year. Have at least one healthy and easy thing on the table they’ll eat. A plate of raw carrots or cut apples. Slices of whole wheat bread. This is hard to stomach when I’ve worked hard to make a delicious meal, but it makes sense. I need to get over my pride in cooking!
4. Don’t accept screaming at the table. Yup. We always wait until it’s got out of control. For sure though we need to ask anyone to leave whose not being respectful and eating. They can come back and join the family when they calm down. This works okay, but then Dot spends her timeout kicking the door like a mad toddler and we still have to spend dinner pretending we don’t hear the screaming down the hall.
To sum up, here is our new strategy for dinner time:
1. Feeding Dot beforehand so she isn’t influenced by Edie’s overly dramatic response to every meal (I keep on forgetting to do this but need to try and remember!).
2. Giving them one, even if it’s boring, thing they like to eat on the table. Usually I cut up carrots, apples, or make microwaved brown rice. This has been working GREAT.
3. If they ask how much they have to eat, I tell them “I’d love it if you tried a bite, but you can choose what you eat”. Done.
Our screaming dinner times have already drastically improved! Any tips to share?
it’s hard when you do it, you have to be extremely patient not to yell at them and force them to eat. Put something they like into the meal or you can blind them to eat the dish they hate that was cooked differently.
This is a bizarre piece of advice, but it works sometimes with my 2 y/o (perhaps it’s his personality?). If he’s not cooperating and it seems like a meltdown is imminent, sometimes I’ll compliment him like he’s doing a fantastic job. Like, “You’re so good at eating your broccoli, I have never ever seen anyone eat broccoli like you do,” even if he’s currently throwing it at me. If it works, it usually stops him in his tracks and he actually starts calming down or doing the thing that I’ve requested. I’ll keep praising him as he gets more cooperative and usually he will come around. .
Perhaps I’m stoking the fires of his vanity, but I suspect it works because (A) no one wants to do something they don’t like and then be told they’re doing it badly (which is basically what I do when I scold him for resisting) and (B) I think it takes off the pressure on me to apply discipline and makes the atmosphere less tense. Not for everyone, but worth a try.
When my child started to become a pickier eater I took the advice gleaned from the book Simplicity Parenting and created a menu. Same every day of the week. She knew what we were having and ate much better. The dinner plan could be vague like Wednesday is soup night and Thursday is breakfast for dinner but she still responded really well. I would basically switch up a few meals based on the theme so we did not get tired of anything. She would occasionally turn her nose up at my efforts to add spinach to her food but we had so much less to argue about.
Love these tips. My pediatrician shared the division of mealtime responsibility idea with us when our twins were just starting solids, and I OFTEN have to remind myself that you CANNOT make someone (1) eat, (2) sleep,or (3) poop, and try to adjust my expectations and attitude when I feel the need to control, uh, everything. (Being a mom is a big growth experience for this mom, too.) Ours also reject the no-thank-you bite, but I like the concept and ask for it anyway. I do still offer an afternoon snack (dinner is our toughest meal), because the dip in blood sugar around 3:30 carries with it a separate round of frustration when we have skipped it, but may take that approach when the kids are all old enough to understand why and hold off a bit longer between meals (mine are 3.5, 3.5, and almost-2, so, soon?). To the extent that I do offer snacks, I try really hard to get some nutrients in every meal/snack (but we rely as much as many others on things like mac n cheese and nuggets).
I also read several years ago that the way parents model eating (variety, cooking at home, etc) matters more to the lifetime habits of eaters than allowing them to be picky for a little while. Wish I could recall the source! That example holds true for me – I could have lived on grilled cheese for most of my childhood but LOVE a variety of adventurous food now.
Finally, for EXTREMELY picky eaters, I’ve been reading about a correlation between that and other sensory (sometimes spectrum) issues, which might help parents who are dealing with something bigger than the normal young-child-power-struggle.
This, too, shall pass. Until then, I’ll keep putting broccoli next to the chicken nuggets and hope that it stops being the end of the world. Haha…
These are great tips! I have a very picky 6-year old, a 4-year old who doesn’t like to stay in his chair, and a 2-year old who loves to scream. Our dinners sound like yours many nights. What has recently worked well is to make a list of dinnertime rules — our kids call them the Nice Manner Rules. Rule #1: No yelling or screaming, Rule #2, Try one bite of everything, Rule #3, Stay in your chair until you are excused, etc. We read them out loud together every night when we sit down to eat. The kids love reading them, and remind me if I forget. It’s worked wonders! Now we just have to gently remind them, “You’re breaking a rule,” and they say, “Oh! I forgot!”
I have no advice, I just want to thank you so much for your honesty about your struggles with your kids. Sometimes the appearance of mothers on blogs (and definitely social media) make me question if I’m the only mother dealing with struggles revolving around daily tasks. While mine is not a picky eater, he is a terror at bedtime. Your openness is refreshing and reassuring. Thank you!
They don’t always grow out of it. Does anyone have advice for adults who are picky eaters (hubby still refuses to eat vegetables of any sort)?
Yes, Ellyn Satter has a model for adults as well.
Thanks, Ines!
Thanks for this! Our 5 year old is VERY picky and selective and while our other 2 daughters (11 and 8) eat *almost* everything we put in front of them, I’m still feeling the need to make the 5 year old a separate meal – in our family, my husband does the cooking, therefore, he feels very put out when someone doesn’t like what he’s clearly taken the time to make. Our older girls were also picky, to an extent and they grew out of it, it’s just so hard when you’re in the midst of it. Solidarity momma! 🙂
Really hoping for the ‘grow out of it’ result as well!
I always put a small amount of the family prepared meal on my son’s plate and then spend one minute throwing 2-3 other things on the plate of the picky eater. If it’s things that don’t take any work, it’s no biggie. At least they see options on the plate. Small amounts are also less overwhelming. 5 or 6 nuts, a half a piece of cheese and a homemade fruit and veggie popsicle for example. And then I just give no attention whatsoever to what he chooses or doesn’t choose to eat. I’ve done what I can and even if he doesn’t eat the dinner, he gets used to seeing, smelling and having the undesired dinner on his plate, which I feel is a good start.
Great ideas, Monica. I like the small amount and not stressing about the rest approach.
This is a super helpful list! My 8 year old always reminds me that tastebuds are always changing and that she won’t always be this picky!😂
Satter’s Division of Responsibility is simple but not easy (‘not for the faint of heart,” as Ellyn says). The steps are:
– Parents/caregivers do the jobs of feeding: planning, buying, cooking, and having family meals (being present, eating the same food, etc.).*
– Parents recognize that children are learning how to eat. They are learning how to like textures, flavors, etc. Learning takes time.
– Have family meals where all food is offered including one or two foods children would eat almost all the time. Ellyn recommends having bread (it may also be Cheerios or another low sugar cereal, butter, orange juice, milk, etc. The point is to offer “a way out” for the child that is learning to eat and sometimes cannot master enough courage to try new foods or is not too hungry at that particular meal. Also, that food you are giving extra (bread, milk, etc. as above) should be available to everyone at the table, it should not be something special only for the child that is learning to eat.
– Manage snacks: have scheduled sit-down snacks (here the word scheduled is crucial, make sure the snack times are spaced throughout the day). Offer only WATER in between meals and snack times. This prevents grazing, the child making up for not eating at the meal by eating all day long.
– Family meals are important, the benefits are enormous. Feed everyone at the same time.
– Learn to live with and love your child’s temperament. This is hard.
– Last, make sure there is no underlying problem (allergy, etc.) and growth and development is as expected (or “normal”).
I want to share this wonderful article from NPR about children and parents: https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2019/03/13/685533353/a-playful-way-to-teach-kids-to-control-their-anger
Thanks for this detailed explanation! That article sounds interesting, going to check it out now
I love so many of the ideas from Ellyn Satter, but I have read elsewhere to include kids in the food prep. Any idea why she seems to discourage that?
This list almost makes me feel guilty for being a big picky eater when I was younger! Cute pics! 🙂 ❤️
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Lately my picky kid has been at least trying lots of new foods – not eating much – but trying at least since I started doing “taste test experiments”. I will put the new food on the plate and say touch it, pick it up, what color is it, what does it smell like? I usually don’t even ask her to taste it and she does. We will also do comparison taste tests like spinach vs, lettuce or cooked vs raw veggie of choice. By making it fun and no pressure my picky little logical scientist now asks to try things.
We also serve one thing she likes – a fruit or veggie at each dinner. She is growing and healthy which I remind myself when I get stressed out. I also know some super amazing and great adults who are picky eaters so in the scheme of things at least she is eating and enjoying dinner time.
Kicking for kids is frustrating!
Doh. Cooking for not kicking for kids, lol.
I love that taste experiment idea!
You ARE a great cook and I wish we could eat at your table all the time.
Foods really do taste and feel differently to them than to adults. It’s the reason restaurants offer a children’s menu–for children’s palettes. I like your idea of offering one or two kid-friendly items per meal
Good luck. You’re a wise mom. Not really worried for you. 🙂
Ellen Satter was my first thought too! I will say, I have compromised with what I cook. I no longer make a roast pumpkin and lemon pasta that the two of us could have lived on because the kids don’t like lemon or pumpkin. We have a lot of things they really like on high rotation, and if I try a new recipe I have lower standards about how much they eat-some really new to them foods I’m happy if they simply taste it with a good attitude and after that I’ll make them toast if they don’t like it. We’ll also have a new thing on high-ish rotation for a while too. Repetition breeds familiarity which I think is half the issue with kids. New things are automatically yuk. 🙄 But I’m right there with you on how demoralising it is to get such negative reactions to food you put so much effort into. And stress at dinner when you really want nice family time is such a horrible way to end the day (been there plenty of times too). I hope you find really good solutions that work for you and the kids.
thanks Katherine! I should probably adjust more what we eat 🙂
I really love Jenny Rosenstrach’s deconstructed dinner concept on her website and books, Dinner: a Love Story. I have one super picky eater (my oldest) and I also love to cook meals that he never appreciates. So as I am cooking, I save the ingredients individually to portion out on the plate for him because he just can’t deal with mixed food (salads, soups, casseroles). That way he is still getting the healthy foods, but we don’t have nightly battles AND I am not a short order cook making alternate dinners for him (which will never expose him to new ingredients). So for a soup for instance, I would save the veggies separately before putting them in the soup (or sometimes scooping them out at the end if I want them cooked for him), saving the protein, and having rice or bread on the side if he needs something extra. He still doesn’t like his food “mixed.” but does eat all the components without complaining- which is a win in my book!
Not sure if this is nutritionist approved, but what has worked well in our family is to ask our daughters how old they are and then we say that’s how many bites they need to eat. There’s something about putting the heat off of us and onto how many years they have that’s worked really well for us. To them it’s common sense and they don’t fight that rule.
My 8 year old is beginning to get a little more passionately picky though so this list is a great resource! Thanks!