Let’s Talk about Back to School Stress

Sadly, the carefree days of summer are officially over with kids back in school. Henry’s been really upset about not having any of his friends in his new 5th grade class, and Edie’s been uncharacteristically angry at the world when she gets home from school. One friend of mine is seeing bullying pop up again in her daughter’s classroom and trying to figure out how to deal with it yet again, and another is feeling regretful about moving her child’s school after seeing how much social anxiety it’s causing. Yet another friend is distressed seeing her daughter start to exhibit ‘mean girl’ behavior towards other girls. On top of it all, everything is multiplied when a child’s experience is magnified by an emotional response from the parent. But how do you not get emotional when it’s your own child?

Last week I had the chance to sit down with our elementary’s school psychologist. Edie just started TK (transitional kindergarten) at the school and it’s been a hard adjustment. Edie’s new anger and unwarranted physically hostile behavior towards me and other family members after school was clearly a sign that her emotions were being bottled up in her new class and I wasn’t quite sure how to deal with it.

I’ve been trying to focus a lot on identifying and expressing emotions, but especially when it came to harmful words and actions, I didn’t know where to draw the line between compassion and discipline. A friend had recommended I talk to the school psychologist, and I’m so happy I did. She assured me that A. TK is a lot to expect of a 4 1/2  yr old  B. this behavior is completely normal and  C. Being an introvert, Edie could use some tools to deal with her stress.

She recommended a few tools for helping especially younger children manage big emotions that I thought I’d share with you all.

Take a hug breath. Wrap your arms around yourself, close your eyes, and take 5 breaths. This is really easy for a child to do, and can help them calm down a lot. Edie and I have been practicing it when she’s upset.

Another calming idea she suggested is making a glitter jar. Mix 2-4 T of glue and water until dissolved. Add in some glitter and seal the jar shut with strong glue. The glue slows down the movement of the glitter and when they’re feeling upset, it’s a calming thing to sit and watch (for adults or kids!).

The psychologist also talked a lot about what we can do as the adult to correct aggressive behavior. She suggested to try and be as nonemotional as possible, being directive + to the point, and using distraction. “We don’t hit, we’re nice to our siblings. Look at the cute puppy over there! Let’s go say hi!”. I found it so simple, yet helpful.

Last year after the summit I had the chance to test it out. Henry had a big project he needed to work on at home, and I felt like a broken record reminding him to working it. It was becoming a power struggle between us, so I just gave up. Sure enough, he was embarrassed when he walked into school and saw how much effort others had put into their projects, and how disappointed the teacher was in his lack of effort. It was a really important lesson for him to learn the why himself. Jessica says, “Competence is the anchor for intrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation happens best when kids are engaged for the thing itself – not what we are dangling in front of them.”