I’ve been partnering with Responsibility.org for over a year now to encourage parents to #TalkEarly about alcohol consumption and encourage open communication with our children. At the last October Summit in we found ourselves on the topic of parenting clichés…
You know, things like “Boys will be Boys”, or “Mommy Juice”. There are so many alcohol related ones. Way too many!! With April being Alcohol Responsibility Month, maybe it’s time we say goodbye to them once and for all. Maybe we say them and don’t think about what message we’re sending our children (or what message we’re reinforcing in ourselves), maybe we don’t say them but laugh when others do. I’ve definitely been guilty of both. Most of the other Responsibility.org #TalkEarly Ambassadors run more parenting focused sites and talked about how for a long time these clichés (many becoming viral memes) were a source of connection for their audience, but have run their course. None of us want to encourage gender stereotypes, or reliance on alcohol, so let’s just agree to get ride of all these phrases, okay? Here are a few I’m voting to retire:
“Dad’s Babysitting”. Remember that movie Mr. Mom? There were so many movies like that back in the 80s and 90s that highlighted the ridiculousness of men raising children. We all laughed and thought it was sooo funny- but really, looking back, I can’t believe how damaging these gender stereotypes are. Do I really want Henry to think he can only grow up to be one kind of person, and that staying home with his future children is a ridiculous option? Yikes. Dads don’t babysit, they parent!
“Boys Will Be Boys”. I’ve found myself guilty of saying similar phrases like ‘Henry’s so boy‘ without thinking much of it. Again, there’s not one way to be a boy, and I don’t want Henry to think there is. Also, the phrase is also usually used in a negative way, talking about and excusing overly aggressive or defiant behavior. Yikes. I definitely wouldn’t want Henry to excuse his or any other boy’s behavior with the thought that they’re ‘just being a boy’. So let’s just agree to get rid of this one, right??
Here’s a video the #TalkEarly Ambassador team made about these clichés:
Any gender stereotypes and parenting clichés you’re anxious to retire? Which ones bother you?
Thanks to Responsiblity.org and #TalkEarly for sponsoring this post and encouraging early and open communication with our children about alcohol. Photos by Rachel Thurston when Dot was a newborn.
Can we add to the list the obnoxious comments people make about the gender of your children! I have two girls and a baby boy, and I can’t tell you how many times people have told me “oooh…I bet your husband is happy he got a boy!” or something along those lines. While I am thrilled to get the opportunity raise both genders, it wasn’t something that was important to me and my husband was certainly not feeling deprived of anything when he only had daughters. I think it rubs me the wrong way too because it feels like people are implying that my husband will now have someone to go golfing with or watch sports with (or some other gender stereotype). Like he couldn’t possibly share the same interests with daughters.
How about #boymom? Often I’ll see friends post pictures of a train they found in their purse or dinosaur figurines left out with the #boymom. It just reinforces gender stereotypes and the gender divide. Girls can like trains and boys can like dolls; girls can be rough and boys can be sensitive. Let’s be more open to the needs and hopes of our kids regardless of their gender.
exactly! I like your sentiment
I hate the cliche of your love for your baby “turning on like a light switch.” That was not my experience and being asked about it non-stop put me in a position where I had to answer in a way that sounded bad no matter what I said. I love my daughter, and I did right away, but labor can sometimes be traumatic and not everyone gets to feel the magic.
I agree! I didn’t always experience that with my births
i love this post. i’m a woman struggling with infertility and because of my desire to become a mom I notice what I call “the mom script” or #momlife a lot because of my experience. i noticed that there is this unconscious script that people tend to regurgitate because of societal norms. I just watched a really interesting Ted Talk at a faculty meeting (I’m a 2nd grade teacher) by Shawn Achor about the power of positive thinking related to work productivity and success and it reminded me of the work of being a mom (and a teacher) and about how when it is approached with a negative, subconscious script, it can be what it becomes. i think it takes noticing these scripts and cliches in any role to change our rote thinking and desire a more positive and happier outlook so that it becomes what we live, and what we teach. thank you so much for sharing this!
Totally agree, it just reinforces that negative script. Same with the ‘mommy needs wine’. If you say it enough, you’ll believe it’s really true
I’ve got a 9 week old & I was frustrated when everyone told me ‘it will get easier’. I had much harder time in regards to recovery from the birth & everyone used that phrase. I understood their intention but it felt like it dismissed what I was experiencing in the moment. I think like most things it’s about balance. I appreciated them trying to reassure me but I just needed some empathy too.
I’m in Australia and some members of the older generations here definitely still talk about fathers ‘babysitting’. It’s often when dads are out in public with their children & strangers making comments. It could be saying that they’re babysitting or just how ‘good’ they are, just for parenting their own child! No one says that to a mother!
I think the thing with the “it gets easier” phrase, is that it suggests that the current situation/emotion you’re in, is ‘bad’, or negative? I’m in the first year of having our first baby, and it is HARD, but the time does go quick, and I think I’ve realised – at month 9 – that it doesn’t get easier, or harder, everything just changes! I don’t know if this makes sense, but I think I understand Liz’s reticence for this phrase. It certainly makes me squirm when people say that to me.
Exactly, it diminishes what your’e experiencing right now
I’m curious about the Dad babysitting one- has anyone ever encountered that in present day life? It sounds so dated. I can’t imagine anyone I know saying or thinking that. Maybe it’s more common in areas with more traditional gender roles/ more sahms?
I agree about all the alcohol related ones. I mean I do enjoy a glass of wine, but the ‘mommy juice’ thing is weird and infantilizing.
Yeah, the mommy juice I just hate so much. For ‘dad’s babysitting’, I agree it’s a bit outdated. I think I’ve heard men more joke about it than anything.
Oh, yes. My husband was stay-at-home-dad for years and almost every time he was in a store on a weekday with the kids, someone would remark on “dad babysitting” or “daddy time.” The kicker, though, was when he informed people that he was the SAHD, most looked astonished and confused and asked, “Wow, what does your wife do?” Granted, the majority of these comments came from much older people but we live in an urban bastion of liberals and progressives on the west coast and this was just five years ago. . . . .
Love all the family pictures.
I also found hearing “it gets easier” helpful when I was in the thick of things with three children under age 5. I needed something to hold on to some days, and seeing friends with kids a few years older than mine, who assured me that it wasn’t always going to be like this, was actually enormously comforting. And it is true! Nothing is like those crazy days of babies and toddlers. I loved much of it, but there is no denying it is constant work for a parent. These days I have a 5, 8 and 11 year old, and although we are busy, busy, busy with sports and piano and dance and school, everyone is pretty much self sufficient, helpful and a lot of fun to be around. Not to mention they all sleep the whole night through and can wipe their own bottoms! 🙂
Sure, I think knowing that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel is important, but I think in the moment I just want support and empathy, right? Man, you’re getting me excited for that older age too!!
I’m no parent, but these are phrases I hear so often! It’s so interesting reading about your views on them – and the views of others in the comments! 🙂
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Typo: Dad’s don’t babysit, they parent!
Should be “Dads” (just plural, not possessive)
I’m curious about your negative association with someone saying “It gets easier.” I found a lot of comfort in hearing that there’s a light at the end of the no-sleeping demanding baby tunnel and have seen faces brighten when hearing that.
What bothered me in the early baby stages was the “treasure every moment” when my body ached and I hadn’t slept and cried all the time.
I also don’t see what’s wrong with “It gets easier”…..now that my girls are 5 and 6 (they’re 15 months apart) I will say firsthand it totally got easier and I am glad! It was hard when they were babies/toddlers, it really stretched my husband and me thin….and YES, we still made sure we “enjoyed it” since the baby phase is fleeting.
I will say, with two girls, I’m tired of people saying “Two girls?! Uh-oh, get ready!” That one bugs me a lot, and is a reminder to keep open communication with them and to always be their sounding board and support.
Oh yes, the ‘treasure every moment’ is a rough one too! I think for me, the ‘it gets easier’ phrase just isn’t empathetic and that’s the problem. I do think it’s good to know things will be different, and that your kids eventually sleep through the night and don’t want to be held all day, but when I have a hard time- in that moment- I just want someone to offer support and empathy